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In Which I Reflect On A Few Days That Changed My Life

In just over two weeks time I will have been in my job for a whole year. However around this time it will also mark another anniversary the night that I found out my mum had incurable cancer.

I can remember the day well I was at work at the time and my mum had gone to the hospital with her friend to get results back from her doctor she had been ill for quite some time however we didn't know the seriousness of it and she sent me a text whilst I was at work asking if I could come home early that was really out of character for her immediately I knew that something was wrong. I went home with a feeling that the world as I knew it was in flux and changing rapidly by the hour. when I got home the atmosphere in the house was different to how it was when I left in the morning. I said hi to Mum we chatted for a bit and then she sat me down and delivered the biggest blow I have and will possibly ever have in my life again.

She told me what the doctors had told her the cancer she had was not curable but treatable In a few moments my life had turned to darkness and I'm still in darkness to this day there are days when the darkness lifts for some respite but then it descends again.

The person who I woken up as that morning died that night and I haven't been that person since

Then my neighbor and friend Nicky came around to chat with us followed by people from Mums church everything became so surreal something that I had always worried about since losing my Dad was unfolding around me second by second minute by minute hour by hour and that thing was losing my Mum. Since Dad passed away mum took on the role of both Mother and Father to me so hearing this news was amplified as it meant I was soon to lose two people not just one. And I was losing some one who I had known my whole life.

In those few days when the darkness was surrounding me the rays of light were still shining through in the shape of my friends and family. That night after mum had told me the devastating news and my life had changed forever I went over to my friends Jenn and Elliot's to tell them the news and what Elliot told me that night would stay lodged into my mind and would help through the next nine months he told me that you need to keep hope alive until the very end and that's what I did up until the consultant at LOROS nine months later told me that Mum only had days left to live.

What Elliot said to me was very important as it helped me to give strength to Mum and help her through every hurdle she faced from being in hospital over Christmas to going for tests getting results having aggressive cycles of chemotherapy that robbed her of her hair, strength and confidence. And living in general.

The morning after I heard the news I woke up and I felt numb and hollow(I still wake up most of the time now still feeling numb and hollow)  I decided to go and spend some time in my second home Cancer Research UK Loughborough. I first started volunteering at CRUK Loughborough seven years ago and in that time it's turned into a second home where I go and work when I'm struggling or not And the person there who always helps me is my great friend Cristina who's unflinching support to me over the past seven years has been so valuable she helped me through that day and weekend and has done so to this day. And when ever I need to chat she's always at the end of the phone and is always there.

After I got home it was my Aunts birthday that night so Mum, Simon, Amy and me went over to hers and we all decided that it was good to carry on as business as usual which had its ups and downs over the following nine months living life knowing that some one you love so much could be taken at any moment was really hard. I was constantly on edge and I would worry about what I was going to wake up to every morning before I went to sleep at night.

Those first few days were horrific and I would not wish any one to go through what I have been through and what my family had to go through. However I am so thankful to the friends and family in my life who have given me the strength to get through the darkest chapter in my life

"The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love." 
Hubert H. Humphrey

Josh Clayton 30/10/2017









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