Before I start this post I would like to say a massive thank you to all those people who have read my posts so far it means a lot. A lot of people have been reading my posts and it's really inspiring.I never thought after my Mum passed away that I would do this but it has helped me so much and if I can help other people at the same time then it's a bonus.
In this post I want to talk about something that people don't really talk about which is flash backs.
You know those scenes and moments in films and TV shows when some one will get a flash back and it will instantly transport them back to a bad moment they once had or to an important clue? Well that keeps happening to me as well. My flashbacks can manifest themselves in very strange ways and can come on at anytime. I've had them for as long as I can remember and it doesn't look as if they are going to go away.
I first started to get flash backs after my Dad died every time some one mentions the hospital where my Dad passed away I have memories of that hospital ward and side room that he was in. That little snow flake of a memory will then roll down and turn its self into a large snow ball rolling down a mountain and I start to remember more. I picture myself as a 12 year old in wales when the doctor phoned my Mum to tell her that we had to leave Wales and get back to Leicester right away as he didn't have long to live. The journey back home was a nightmare in itself as we got into a crash with some one as we were heading back.
Then like a jolt the time frame will shift forward and I'm asking my Mum whether my Dad will die and being surrounded by uncertainty and sheer anxiety. which followed its way back from Wales and has stayed with me ever since to this day.
Back in Leicestershire we went to the Leicester General and we saw Dad on his last day. I can remember vividly his yellow skin and frail frame. That night we talked about trivial things and what we did on the holiday in Wales I wished I talked about deeper things with him and spent longer with him as it was going to be the last time I saw him I have had a lot of regrets in my life like this however I will save that for a later blog post.
Our film then cuts back to the current period and I'm twenty six again and living my life in the present however the triggers have changed a little bit. Triggers are really strange they can be totally trivial and innocent but they can have a very deep and unsettling effect on me. I can be at work and when somebody puts the phone back in the charger it will make a noise like the machines in the hospital and hospice make.When I was sitting next to mum in the hospital and hospice there were machines that would administer IV drips and when they were running low they would make a really ugly noises when I was sleeping next to mum I would hear them so much and I can still hear them now it was a constant reminder that you were in a bad place.
I have a lot of memories as well to the last Christmas spent in the hospital that me and Mum had together she was admitted to hospital on Christmas day night for five days those machines would go off all the time and would stop me from getting sleep. Being in hospital for any length of time can be horrible but when you're next to some one who can't go home yet and is very ill is horrendous all the time you are thinking about all the outcomes that can happen and are constantly reminded that the situation won't get any better more so in the morning when you wake up on a ward and you forget for a few moments why you are there but then it comes flooding back in again and it can really take it out of you.
It isn't just sounds that can trigger memories its smells too the smells of hospitals can be really distinctive and in your face too when I walked into the hospice last week the smell greeted me like a ton of bricks and it took me back to last July when I was pretty much living there for the fortnight and it culminated in me remembering when I pushed mum around in a wheel chair and then on to the last few moments of my Mum's life.
However triggers can be really strange for me I can be going about my every day life and as if like a really horrible jukebox machine a random memory will start playing like I am reliving it again and I will zone out completely and relive that moment like when Mum told me she had cancer all the way back in November 2016 and then when she told me she only had a few month left to live a few days before my birthday.
So as I get used to having flashback of the bad times in the my life I need to make sure that I keep hold of the positive memories too and focus on the positive times that we had together and in time the horrible memories will fade away and become less sharp it's going to be a challenge but I'm going to give it my all.
Josh Clayton
24/02/18
In this post I want to talk about something that people don't really talk about which is flash backs.
You know those scenes and moments in films and TV shows when some one will get a flash back and it will instantly transport them back to a bad moment they once had or to an important clue? Well that keeps happening to me as well. My flashbacks can manifest themselves in very strange ways and can come on at anytime. I've had them for as long as I can remember and it doesn't look as if they are going to go away.
I first started to get flash backs after my Dad died every time some one mentions the hospital where my Dad passed away I have memories of that hospital ward and side room that he was in. That little snow flake of a memory will then roll down and turn its self into a large snow ball rolling down a mountain and I start to remember more. I picture myself as a 12 year old in wales when the doctor phoned my Mum to tell her that we had to leave Wales and get back to Leicester right away as he didn't have long to live. The journey back home was a nightmare in itself as we got into a crash with some one as we were heading back.
Then like a jolt the time frame will shift forward and I'm asking my Mum whether my Dad will die and being surrounded by uncertainty and sheer anxiety. which followed its way back from Wales and has stayed with me ever since to this day.
Back in Leicestershire we went to the Leicester General and we saw Dad on his last day. I can remember vividly his yellow skin and frail frame. That night we talked about trivial things and what we did on the holiday in Wales I wished I talked about deeper things with him and spent longer with him as it was going to be the last time I saw him I have had a lot of regrets in my life like this however I will save that for a later blog post.
Our film then cuts back to the current period and I'm twenty six again and living my life in the present however the triggers have changed a little bit. Triggers are really strange they can be totally trivial and innocent but they can have a very deep and unsettling effect on me. I can be at work and when somebody puts the phone back in the charger it will make a noise like the machines in the hospital and hospice make.When I was sitting next to mum in the hospital and hospice there were machines that would administer IV drips and when they were running low they would make a really ugly noises when I was sleeping next to mum I would hear them so much and I can still hear them now it was a constant reminder that you were in a bad place.
I have a lot of memories as well to the last Christmas spent in the hospital that me and Mum had together she was admitted to hospital on Christmas day night for five days those machines would go off all the time and would stop me from getting sleep. Being in hospital for any length of time can be horrible but when you're next to some one who can't go home yet and is very ill is horrendous all the time you are thinking about all the outcomes that can happen and are constantly reminded that the situation won't get any better more so in the morning when you wake up on a ward and you forget for a few moments why you are there but then it comes flooding back in again and it can really take it out of you.
It isn't just sounds that can trigger memories its smells too the smells of hospitals can be really distinctive and in your face too when I walked into the hospice last week the smell greeted me like a ton of bricks and it took me back to last July when I was pretty much living there for the fortnight and it culminated in me remembering when I pushed mum around in a wheel chair and then on to the last few moments of my Mum's life.
However triggers can be really strange for me I can be going about my every day life and as if like a really horrible jukebox machine a random memory will start playing like I am reliving it again and I will zone out completely and relive that moment like when Mum told me she had cancer all the way back in November 2016 and then when she told me she only had a few month left to live a few days before my birthday.
So as I get used to having flashback of the bad times in the my life I need to make sure that I keep hold of the positive memories too and focus on the positive times that we had together and in time the horrible memories will fade away and become less sharp it's going to be a challenge but I'm going to give it my all.
Josh Clayton
24/02/18
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