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In Which Grief Affects Me In Ways I Didn't Anticipate...

For my second post I thought I would talk about something that is seldom talked about when people lose some and are going through bereavement the physical effcts and the toll it has on your body.

When my Mum first sat me down last November and told me that the cancer that she had was incurable it was my physical self as well as my mental self that suffered. I can remember the weeks after that night I went off eating a lot. When I'm anxious I have a tendency to vomit it has been like that on and off now for the last seven year. 

I can remember that it got so bad for a week or two that I would only eat a little bit once a day it took a lot of strength just to eat something. However I was very fortunate that I had a great team of friends, family and colleagues around me that helped me through it.

As well as losing my appetite another thing I lost was my hair this was a little bit harder to deal with than losing my appetite. as well as having vomiting induced through anxiety I've also struggled from hair loss. Being a slightly taller guy it's easy to hide and cover but sitting down was hard as I felt a bit more self aware. When people pointed it out to me I would just laugh it off as just aging I didn't feel strong enough to say to people that I was under a lot of stress and I would pull it out under stress. 

During June and July when Mum started to decline I went into a bubble I think it must of been the adrenaline from the situation that got me through I went into survival mode. 

After Mum passed away everything caught up with me and hit me like a steam roller I had episodes where I couldn't stop or wouldn't rest that in turn took it out of me physically.

Something that has also happened to me is crying I've cried a lot more this year than at any time in my life to date. I cried in the hospice when it happened and I've also cried at work. this has in turn had it's effects on me I feel totally exhausted and drained at the moment I don't have as much energy as I did ten months ago. However I'm determined to get back to fitness and get stronger again I owe it to my mother

Josh Clayton 16/10/17

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