As I write it is bonfire night and all around I can hear the explosions of fireworks around me. As multitudes of fireworks get destroyed and burnt away I am left thinking about everything in my life that has also been both destroyed and burnt away from me.
When my Dad passed away when I was twelve I lost the rest of my childhood literally over night when my mum came into my grandparents house where I stayed that night and told me the news I went totally numb emotionally and that manifested its way all the way through my life until I reached a turning point at 21.
Through my school career I never felt like I truly fitted in with my peers and people my age. This happened because I had to grow up fast when you see your Dad at the age of twelve who was always active who took you swimming, walked many miles around Leicester, London, Scotland and Cornwall, went to the park with you and was full of life to seeing this loving, kind, gentle and strong man who in the last few weeks of his life had turned yellow was hiccuping and struggling to go to the toilet in a hospital room makes you stop seeing life as others my age did who at time were off having fun, playing on play stations and who didn't have a worry in the world.
When I went back to school it was a miserable experience I constantly felt different I put on weight, struggled academically and shut myself in the library and escaped into books all the time wishing my life was the same as all those around me this feeling would be a constant in my life to this day and even more so after my mum has passed away I wish I had a life like those my age who still have both their parents is that so much to ask?
This feeling has manifested itself in many shapes I wish my Dad could see his son turn 13 and turn into an adult. Whilst seeing me pass my driving test, get my first job, and see me become an Assistant Manager back in 2015.
Now my Mum has passed away that feeling has intensified now I'm not just mourning what my Dad won't see I'm now mourning what both my parents won't be here to see or do. They won't be here to see me settle down, get engaged, get married and have children. They also won't be able to spend time with their grandchildren and they won't be able to enjoy retirement.
I'm also very slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am parent less at the age of 26 I don't know any one in my age range who this has happened to so seeking advice from people around my age is very hard so I'm making it up as I go along and going on a journey at the same time.
Something I keep on asking myself and have lodged in my mind all the time is why this happened to Me and my family why have the people I love so much been taken away from me in a really cruel way. My parents were the most loving people I have known. Both were exceptional nurses in fact they met at nursing college in Leicester where they both trained together before my Dad went on to briefly become a HIV and AIDS nurse in London before returning to Leicestershire to become a Health visitor. Whilst Mum was a pediatrics nurse before becoming a carer for people with paralysis and ending her life working as an LSA.
Something that has helped me a lot is a friend telling me that my parents are watching over me so I need to give them something good to watch. and this is so true I need to get out and enjoy my life I also need to focus on what I have got instead of what I'm going to miss and what I have got is a really great family, friends and a great support network
Josh Clayton
11/11/17
Shout out to my cousin this week for all the help on Friday thanks a lot Bea :)
When my Dad passed away when I was twelve I lost the rest of my childhood literally over night when my mum came into my grandparents house where I stayed that night and told me the news I went totally numb emotionally and that manifested its way all the way through my life until I reached a turning point at 21.
Through my school career I never felt like I truly fitted in with my peers and people my age. This happened because I had to grow up fast when you see your Dad at the age of twelve who was always active who took you swimming, walked many miles around Leicester, London, Scotland and Cornwall, went to the park with you and was full of life to seeing this loving, kind, gentle and strong man who in the last few weeks of his life had turned yellow was hiccuping and struggling to go to the toilet in a hospital room makes you stop seeing life as others my age did who at time were off having fun, playing on play stations and who didn't have a worry in the world.
When I went back to school it was a miserable experience I constantly felt different I put on weight, struggled academically and shut myself in the library and escaped into books all the time wishing my life was the same as all those around me this feeling would be a constant in my life to this day and even more so after my mum has passed away I wish I had a life like those my age who still have both their parents is that so much to ask?
This feeling has manifested itself in many shapes I wish my Dad could see his son turn 13 and turn into an adult. Whilst seeing me pass my driving test, get my first job, and see me become an Assistant Manager back in 2015.
Now my Mum has passed away that feeling has intensified now I'm not just mourning what my Dad won't see I'm now mourning what both my parents won't be here to see or do. They won't be here to see me settle down, get engaged, get married and have children. They also won't be able to spend time with their grandchildren and they won't be able to enjoy retirement.
I'm also very slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am parent less at the age of 26 I don't know any one in my age range who this has happened to so seeking advice from people around my age is very hard so I'm making it up as I go along and going on a journey at the same time.
Something I keep on asking myself and have lodged in my mind all the time is why this happened to Me and my family why have the people I love so much been taken away from me in a really cruel way. My parents were the most loving people I have known. Both were exceptional nurses in fact they met at nursing college in Leicester where they both trained together before my Dad went on to briefly become a HIV and AIDS nurse in London before returning to Leicestershire to become a Health visitor. Whilst Mum was a pediatrics nurse before becoming a carer for people with paralysis and ending her life working as an LSA.
Something that has helped me a lot is a friend telling me that my parents are watching over me so I need to give them something good to watch. and this is so true I need to get out and enjoy my life I also need to focus on what I have got instead of what I'm going to miss and what I have got is a really great family, friends and a great support network
Josh Clayton
11/11/17
Shout out to my cousin this week for all the help on Friday thanks a lot Bea :)
I Can relate and empathise Joshua as it was a similar experience for me when i lost my dad, i was 11..12 years old too. The effect and grief was massive! I felt a part of me had died. The school i attended at that young age didnt have a clue what i was going through! The teachers only wanted educational results. I went late every morning to the discust of my form teacher...whom i told to fuck off every morning! Be great to chat Josh! Uncle Phil 🤗
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